Fatigue

When I made the decision to start blogging about my online dating experiences I wanted it to be a combination of catharsis and comic relief. Small vignettes others could relate to or cringe at.

When I sit down to write, however, I can't seem to be able to put these stories out on the interweb. It feels like a betrayal - after all, we're all putting ourselves out there to be judged by others as worthy or not. Writing about it makes it permanent, and I think I could quickly be labeled a judgmental bitch. A bad date is just that, and my dear friends and family have listened to me dish and vent - and for that I can't express enough gratitude. I think that's where these stories belong.

The first lesson I learned when I signed up for Match.com is that you have to check your ego at the door. If you take every unreturned wink and email as a personal failure and a sign that you're meant to be alone, well, you're pretty much going to be just that. It is an exhausting process - continuously putting yourself out there; taking risks; being "on." There is certainly the potential for great reward, but too often if seems just out of reach.

This weekend, after a good second date that I just couldn't get myself into, I realized that I am suffering from "online dating fatigue." There we were, laughing, talking about art and literature, and the things about which we are most passionate, and I just wanted to go home. He was considerate, kind, and irreverent - qualities I am looking for - but at the end of the night, I bolted.

On the way home I questioned myself over and over - what's wrong with me; why I am so fickle?; etc... finally I realized that I'm just exhausted. I am trying too hard - most of the people I've gone out with are trying too hard, but the times when it feels the best are when it comes easily and naturally. I'm not sure if that's possible for me right now, so I'm going to take a little vacation from Match until it sounds like fun again.

I believe in our new technological world that online dating makes a lot of sense. Unfortunately, logic may not work as well when it comes to chemistry and emotions.

Urban Online Dating Legends

We all know someone, or know someone who knows someone, or heard about someone who met their perfect partner on Match.com. That's why we all say, "Why not?;" "That's great!;" "If I were single, I would totally do that...;" "I'm being proactive in a new social environment...." And, all of these things are true; however, not all of us are as lucky as Carla on Top Chef (but we all hope).

While I do not want to demean some of the people I have met on Match....yikes... think pep-talks to myself in the bathroom; too many cocktails; too few cocktails; supremely awkward conversation; that sinking feeling of impending doom...

When you look through profiles you look for a reason to count someone out. When you decide to meet someone you look for a reason to see them again. Neither system is fool-proof.

I've gone through a number of different moods about Match. When I first started, the timing was right and I got lucky. It seemed like the possibilities were endless, but a wise friend warned me that the beginning is the brightest - boy oh boy was she right... I was naive and over confident. Beboppin' around town talking about how much fun Match is; it's how dating should be; both parties get that it's a date and want to be there, you get to try fun restaurants, do new things, meet interesting people...

When I came back to Match after a two month hiatus I returned to a very different world. I had forgotten that the algorithms that match you need feedback; when left to their own devices the prospects are bleak. It was depressing - I couldn't believe this is what the internet and Atlanta had to offer. After a few weeks prospects improved, but here I am trying to navigate the narrow line between confidence and self-doubt, optimism and pessimism, nerd and dweeb...

Have Faith

As I have shared my online dating experiences with friends and family, it occurs to me that my stories are not unique. Anyone who has dipped a toe in the fluctuating online pool of prospects knows the catches are unpredictable at best.

For someone who likes nothing more than control, it has taken me a few months to understand that just because you can set narrow search parameters, select ideal qualities, screen for obvious crazy/creepy, etc., dating online is no less random than any other form of human interaction. Oh well.

Recently I was in one of the coolest places in Atlanta, Young Blood Gallery and Boutique, and discovered this incredible little book called Have Faith by Louis Cannizzaro.

Often, I mask my innate romanticism with cynicism, but this little gem pulled away all my affectations. I have since placed the book by my bed and re-read it when I need a little Faith.